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Google I/O Keynote: The There There

05.23.2013
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Wow, who are all those journalists who‘ve accused Apple of flimflammery and carnival barker trickery in their public shows? Did any of them attend Goolge I/O? Because it made Apple look like an actuarial‘s conference. Remember when the tech press thought they were all the taste-making hipsters who knew about all the cool stuff before everything else? They couldn‘t just be won over with asskissing and silly demos that didn‘t do anything? Apparently, that was the Halcyon Period. We are now in the equivalent of 4th Century Greece: the pretense is gone, the great victories are in the past, and the new rulers are fawned over, even when they are naked, and about as cool as Screech from Saved by the Bell.

The Screech Pander
Ok, when Vic Gondotra was introduced and came out and started doing that whole ‘we‘re nothing without you‘ bit, I was like ‘wait, the stage right behind him is about to open up and an aging boy band is coming up, doing 4 deep falsettos, cooing, right??‘ I mean, this can‘t be for real? Then I started having a flashback to Developers, Developers, Developers (Ballmer needs that botox in the armpit treatment). Google‘s all about the wonderful things we developers are out there making.. ? Really? This is a question for another post, by why on earth do people think that Google is full of great engineers? Because Josh Bloch went there? Seriously, come on. Android is not the work of a great mind(s). They don‘t have their own developer tool. The Emulator is a complete joke. And now they have cut bait on eclipse (also another post: eclipse is now at the white dwarf stage. We keep seeing posts about how Javascript is taking over the world. Yeah, guys, where is e4?? Been in the hopper so long, they could have written it in assembler by now. I bet there‘s not a member of the team who‘s read a lick of metrics studies that show that the curve on scripting languages is parabolic, with the axis as the finish line. Google pulling out, I don‘t care how they or others spin it, is a HUGE defeat for the whole open charade that eclipse has represented.)

The presentation of Android Studio was totally laughable. You have tools that are completely, anemically second rate compared to your competition, and you show up and tell everyone you have this great new thing, that you got from someone else, and what do you demo? the preview of an icon in the sidebar of the source editor?? Seriously??? I mean, show me a Growl message that my dry cleaning is ready from the Google Services Compound, Guys. I laughed out loud at those pigeon crumbs. Wow, nevermind the fact that the Emulator takes so long to load, you forgot what the app you were building was even supposed to do. Then, of course, there were no details. You know, like the ones the press are trained to get ‘when, where, how much‘? They were too busy just lapping up sap like a bunch of parlor dogs.

I liked Gruber‘s take on the overall I/O gas cloud (here). Then there were a slew of articles about Larry Page‘s bizarre blatherings about wishing he could just be in a vacuum alone with his great ideas.

Google is a wake surfer who was so impressed that it got up on the board, that it forgot it was being towed. And not towed out to a 70‘ monster where they are set loose. They have never been able to drop the line and sustain a thing. Actually, they are being towed by two boats: their own ad business and the companies that have been able to go really blow the door open and transform a market (like Apple).

Yet, the press and the dopes on Wall Street think they are witnessing the second coming. This puff piece was so laughably ridiculous I again thought it was a joke. Then in the comments some dude was like 'um you are missing what's really going on here,' and the author was like 'really?' Dude looks like he's fifteen. Page's yammering about being unfettered to do cool new things got an interesting interp here. Not sure who wrote this piece, but it actually shows signs of, um, work, information, all those things that tweaker press types think make you sound like an oldster.

All the clamoring amongst the press about how Google scooped Apple on knocking off Spotify and Pandora is hilarious. Think about how stupid that is: ‘we got up on the wake board before you…‘ Then, what all was the great announcement there?? Nothing. Name one thing there service is going to do, quick. No one was talking about it. The big announcement on G+ was that it looks like Pinterest now. And on and on. Google‘s vision of great ideas is find someone else‘s and pour a bunch of money into it, then float the ads along the side and we‘re good, Baby!...

Good for Apple that this conference was first, WWDC is going to be 20x more exciting than this was. At WWDC21012, they rolled out Autolayout, Collection Views, Objective C literals (and more), a new debugger, (not much on Xcode but), still a huge load of stuff next to the bowl of steam I/O had. Oh, and most of the movies were laughably content free gas clouds of nonsense. Seriously, Google thinks its followers are a bunch of idiots. If Apple had put on this conference, the hyenas would have gone nuts about how free of details it was, how they were showing a bunch of stuff that didn‘t exist, etc., and of course, how that proved they were finally finished.

Did you see the part of the keynote when they said they would make the S4 available and then dropped the price and the room went totally silent? Hilarious. I downloaded Android Studio and made a project with it. It didn‘t even make any unit tests!! Hello!! Xcode has had that for 4 or 5 years, oh, and I can easily change the templates it uses, and run them in a few seconds.

The main reason no one is speaking the truth about this is because despite 2 collapses in the last decade and a half, we are still largely an economy based on speculators and Apple is not playing their game. Google‘s going to 1000? Great. I predict that a year from now they will be the same company: the main force behind leaving the web a bombed out ghetto lined with billboards and popup neon nonsense while serving up content of people who get paid zero…. yippee…

Published at DZone with permission of Rob Williams, author and DZone MVB. (source)

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