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Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks JavaServer Faces

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Just for a bit of Friday fun I'd like to share the following variation on those Chuck Norris emails that I received - this time relating to Java.

  • Chuck Norris serializes objects straight into human skulls.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't deploy web applications, he roundhouse kicks them into the server.
  • Chuck Norris always uses his own design patterns, and his favorite is the Roundhouse Kick.
  • Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.
  • Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your web app will turn into a swing application, and a very bad swing application containing lots of icons of human skulls.
  • Chuck Norris demonstrated the meaning of Float.POSITIVE_INFINITY by counting to it, twice.
  • A synchronize doesn't protect against Chuck Norris, if he wants the object, he takes it.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't use javac, he codes java by using a binary editor on the class files.
  • Chuck Norris' java code never needs to be optimized. His code is so fast that it broke the speed of light during a test run in Sun's labs killing 37 people.
  • When someone attempts to use one of Chuck Norris' deprecated methods, they automatically get a roundhouse kick to the face at compile time.
  • The java.lang package originally contained a ChuckNorris class, but it punched its way out the package during a design review and roundhouse kicked Bill Joy in the face.
  • Chuck Norris never has a bug in his code, EVER!
  • Chuck Norris doesn't write code. He stares at a computer screen until he gets the progam he wants.
  • Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
  • Chuck Norris' binary edited classes ignore Java bytecode verifier.
  • Chuck Norris methods doesn't catch exceptions becuase no one has the guts to throw any at them.
  • Chuck Norris will cast a value to any type just by staring at it.
  • If you get a ChuckNorrisException you'll probably die.
  • Chuck Norris is the only one who can use goto and const in Java.
  • Chuck Norris can compile Java code in .NET Framework, obviously just by staring at it.
  • Chuck dont need to catch an Exception because Java is afraid of the "flying tornado kick" at the moment it throws
  • Chuck Norris's code can roundhouse kick all other Java Objects' privates
    Java visibility levels are public, default, protected, private and "protected by Chuck Norris", don't try to access a field with this last modifier!!
  • Chuck Norris eats JavaBeans and Roundhouse Kicks JavaServer Faces!
  • Chuck Norris can divide by 0!
  • Garbage collector only runs on Chuck Norris code to collect the bodies.
  • Chuck Norris code uses agressive heap natively
  • Every single line code of Chuck Norris runs in real time. Even in a multi threading application.
  • When a CPU loads a Chuck Norris class file, it doubles the speed.
  • Chuck Norris can execute 64bit lenght instructions in a 32bit CPU.
  • Chuck Norris implements "Indestructible". All the other creatures implements "Killable".
  • Chuck Norris only program Java web applications to get a .WAR in the end.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a Java class very hard. The result is known as a inner class.
  • Chuck Norris can do multiple inheritance in Java.
  • JVM never throws exceptions to Chuck Norris, not anymore. 753 killed Sun engineers is enough.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't need unit tests because his code always work. ALWAYS.
  • Chuck Norris extends God.
  • Chuck Norris workstation has so memory and it's so powerful that he could run all java applications in the world and get 2% of resources usage.
  • Chuck Norris codes generics since 1.3.
  • Chuck Norris' classes can't be decompiled… don't bother trying.


Lzszlo Hogyishivjak replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 8:12am

Chuck Norris extends God.

 Hmm. I always believed that God is a subclass of Chuck Norris.

Mikael Grev replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 8:21am

Seriously, would Chuck Norris code Java?

Geertjan Wielenga replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 8:48am

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone who, for one brief second, THOUGHT about criticizing Java in a very small way.

jelmer kuperus replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 8:58am

> Seriously, would Chuck Norris code Java?

because he killed cobol!, thats why 

Gianluigi Davassi replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 9:10am

i'll suggest:

 * a chuckNorris process cant' be killed.

*  ChuckNorris user has more privileges than root

Andrew Clifford replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 12:58pm

Nobody knows Chuck's runtime performance because Chuck would never run

Chuck doesn't need bytecode he lives by his own code.

Mark-and-sweep garbage collection is just Chuck looking you in the eye before kicking your ass.

CNL (Chuck Norris License) makes GPL code proprietary.

Heap is where Chuck likes to pile up dead bodies.

Chuck doesn't believe in code conventions - not even the Geneva convention.

Chuck always has nice threads.

Java runs on Chuck's iPhone







Raphael Miranda replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 1:09pm in response to: Mikael Grev

Someone once doubted Chuck Norris could code Java and you can guess what happened...

Alex(JAlexoid) ... replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 1:50pm in response to: Lzszlo Hogyishivjak

[quote]Chuck Norris extends God.

 Hmm. I always believed that God is a subclass of Chuck Norris. [/quote]


 Chuck Norris extends God - Meaning: Chuck Norris adds functionality to God.

Any anyway, everybody knows that God is a transaction on SAP...

Richard Sharpe replied on Fri, 2008/06/27 - 3:01pm

Chuck Norris is a Singleton! 

There is, and can only ever be, one and if you misuse him, he will come back to kill you!! 

Mikael Grev replied on Sat, 2008/06/28 - 5:03am

Chuck Norris doesn't need Autoboxing, he boxes any primitive in his path!

Chuch Norris can autobox any Character!

Chuck Norris doesn't need closures. Period. ;)

Riyad Kalla replied on Sat, 2008/06/28 - 4:53am in response to: Gianluigi Davassi

lol, gold... both of those.

Jakob Jenkov replied on Sat, 2008/06/28 - 9:15am

hahaha, priceless!


- Objects have finalize() called as soon as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them!

- Chuck Norris IS the garbage collector! And he collects at will!

Nitram Erdnetel replied on Thu, 2008/07/03 - 3:17pm

How about:

Chuck Norris eclipse Eclipse !

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